How Not To Write ATTWN Fanfiction
by Jane Poirot
Summary: Inspired by Fomalhaut's How Not To Write Titanic fanfiction: Exactly what it says on the tin, no false advertisement abound, so all aspiring ATTWN fanfic writers, read it and weep.


**Disclaimer: ATTWN does not, in any shape or form, belong to me, and if ATTWN's popularity in fanfiction ever grows, I sincerely hope we do not get crappy fanfics like this, so all ATTWN readers who plan on writing ATTWN fanfics in the future, take this fic in mind!**

**PS Inspired by the hilarious fic, How NOT to write Titanic fanfiction by Fomalhaut**

So you read the book and fall in love with Philip Lombard because let's face it: Bad boys are just so damn sexy. Edward Cullen, Draco Malfoy, Hamlet...you love them all. But there are two problems: One, Lombard does not live, two, his potential love interest is Vera Claythorne.

Well, fear no more! You decide to write an alternate-universe fanfiction where another young lady takes Vera's place on Indian Island and name this girl Aquamarine December Featherstone, who is at the blossoming age of sixteen and has wheat-yellow hair and amber eyes.

First things first, don't even bother taking the time to come up with a good, or even decent, summary that would make more people curious about your story; make the summary as hashed as you possibly can: "AU: Vera does not go to the island, another girl goes, will Lombard fall for her? I suck at summaries, lol!!! PL/OC"

Now on to the actual mechanics of the story: Don't even bother with all that stupid historical research; it only gets in the way. Devote an entire paragraph to describing Aquamarine's clothing and completely ignore the fact that her clothing (a short-sleeved ruby-red dress that goes an inch above her knees, ebony fishnet stockings, and ruby-red high heels) and her make-up (luminescent blush, lavender eyeshadow, and blood-red lipstick) would make her look like a prostitute in 1939.

Remember how the judge was after criminals in the book? Forget that; we still need Aquamarine to be Lombard's girlfriend, dammit! Have Wargrave bring her along as his niece and...OMG, a cliffy!!!...have Lombard think she is beautiful right away.

Once you get to the island, why waste your time with having Mrs. Rogers escort _everyone_ to their rooms? Mrs. Rogers should be enchanted by Aquamarine's personality right away and help only her to her room and leave everyone else to help themselves, of course!

Cut to dinner, where everyone is sitting at the table, discussing why their mysterious host is not here yet. Have Aquamarine placed right between Anthony Marston and Lombard and while the other guests are discussing 'boring stuff', the two men will keep fighting for her attention until Lombard falcon punches Marston, causing him to fly across the room and onto the floor, where blood will drain from his mouth (physics research is just plain stupid).

Don't forget the golden rule: The characters who matter like Aquamarine and will stand up for her; the characters who do not matter don't and will blame her for this tragedy. After dinner, the record will play and accuse everyone except Aquamarine of various murders (because Aquamarine is perfect and never does anything bad, never). Afterwards, Aquamarine will stand up for Lombard and claim he never did what the record accused him of doing because he's 'too nice' for that. She then randomly accuses Rogers of committing Lombard's crime, to which Rogers admits yes, he did do it (consistencies do not matter).

You realize at this point that describing all the deaths within four days as in the book will waste a great deal of time, so you briefly skim over each guests' death and focus on Aquamarine and Lombard trying to solve the mystery together until...OMG, a cliffy!!!....they kiss!!!!

By now, Wargrave has 'died'. There is very little time left before you get on to the story's climax, so you have Lombard take Aquamarine to his bedroom and change your story's rating to M in spite of the fact that all you do is imply the sex rather than show it. Forget that he is at least twenty years older than her; age doesn't matter when you're in love! Even if it does, as far as you're concerned, Lombard is barely twenty in your story!

Once they are finished love making, you have Aquamarine exit Lombard's room and go outside and discover Blore's bloody head smashed in. Lombard comes racing outside and is uncharacteristically sad over Blore's death to the point where him being madly in love with Blore can be the only explanation. Aquamarine comforts him by giving him a kiss and...OMG, a cliffy!...Wargrave shows up with Armstrong's body slung over his shoulders!

Skip Wargrave's confession about how he did it all; who really needs that, anyway? Anyone who took the time to look up an ATTWN fanfiction clearly knows what happened, right? The Golden Rule of story-writing about how you should treat each fanfic as though the reader has never heard of the canon before is too stupid for words.

Wargrave dumps Armstrong's body on the ground and randomly whips out a sword. By sheer coincidence, Lombard has a sword on him, too! The two men then engage in a duel that lasts about ten minutes while Aquamarine does nothing but sit back and swoon, occasionally shouting bits of encouragement to Lombard.

The story ends in one of two ways:

1) Lombard wins the duel and shortly after the rescue, Aquamarine discovers she is carrying her and Lombard's love child and the two get married and live happily ever after with little Anthony Ethel John Thomas Emily Lawrence Edward William Lombard.

2) Lombard dies in the duel (Wargrave dies too by stabbing himself) and shortly after the rescue, Aquamarine discovers she is carrying her and Lombard's love child and names her newborn son simply Philip and never loves another man ever again.

The end

PS Aquamarine is not a Mary Sue, and anyone who says so clearly does not see how amazing you are, so if anyone dares speak against her, the best response is "U r sooooo meen!"

**A/N: Yeah, that was stupid, but it's supposed to be, so...yeah.**


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